Have you ever felt like you were born to do something? Born to save the world or born to play cello with an orchestra in a big city or even born to set the world record of how many cat figurines one person owns. When I was little girl and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was always “mom”. Of course some days I wanted to be a ” horse jockey mom” or a “teacher mom”. It has always come back to mom though. When you ask me my career goals my answer is usually something like “I’m just working to save money to be a stay at home mom”. My calling is to be a mother. I was born to be a mother.
When I got married, motherhood wasn’t even on my radar. I was living with my mother-in-law and we were broke newly weds! I was on birth control so in my mind there was no chance I could get pregnant anyway. I really wasn’t on my mind. Shortly after we got married I went off of birth control and switched to different contraceptive methods for health reasons. This increased the “risk” of getting pregnant. We were still being very careful to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. Logically I knew that getting pregnant wasn’t a good idea at the time but there was this very primitive feeling I couldn’t swallow.
Everyone has pregnancy scares especially when you aren’t on the pill. I’ve only had a couple but they were really really hard. I would be nervous but mostly excited at the thought of being pregnant so I would secretly be hoping that it was positive but every time it showed negative. At first I would be really sad. I could have potentially have finally become a mom in just a few short months! Of course after I got over my sadness, relief would settle in and I would be happy that it was just me and my husband. This happens every month because my period is always late. The cycle repeats itself over and over again. One particular month, I was late for my period and every morning I would wake up really nauseous, I was hungrier than normal and other typical signs. It lasted for at least week. As the week progressed I was more and more convinced that I was pregnant so I was getting really excited. Then I got that first cramp. An hour later and I had started my period. This period was really hard for me emotionally. I was so sure that I was going to fulfill my life long dream of becoming a mom! I cried as a wave of longing washed over me. I started to hate sex. I felt distant from everything. I truly felt like I had lost something. I had only lost an idea of course but it felt so real.
Since that period it has gotten easier to accept that I am not a mother yet. I’ve been trying to be spontaneous and do things that I know I can’t do or is really hard to do with kids. We plan day trips day of. We have money to do things selfishly. I’m doing my best to be happy where I am in life. We went to Vegas for my 21st birthday in January and I had a lot of fun with my friends and family.
I know that people are going to tell me “kids are hard! they have blowouts and temper tantrums and make you want to pull your hair out.” Some people are going to say “Alexis you are so young. You should focus on your marriage first. Having kids so early in the marriage can break you apart”. I know. The reasons all point to not having kids yet but my heart wont listen. I love my husband so much I just want more of him! I want a tinier version that is equal parts him and I. My husband and my best friend have been so supportive through this whole roller coaster. I can’t say that I’ve completely made it out of this very strange tunnel but I’ve been praying that I find peace and happiness until I’m a mom and I’m definitely close.
Long story short, If you are in a similar situation, just be patient. It will come with time. Stop and enjoy the little things. Literally stop and breathe slowly, looking at all the blessings you already have. Smell your morning coffee more. Pet the dog (or cat) and focus on how your fingers feel. Watch a bird flutter around in a tree. God is good and he created a beautiful world if we pay attention.